Know when to say goodbye

Abuse in a relationship or marriage can wreck you. If you are one of those in an offensive relationship there is need to know how to handle it or get out of it.

Abuse is not always physical, it could be emotional. It could be verbal too. Being abused is simply to destroy your being and make mince meat of your confidence. So, how can you nip this menace in the bud?

• Recognise abuse

Some women accept verbal or emotional abuse if it is not accompanied by physical abuse. But it is a pattern of behavior that may include threats of humiliation, isolation, blame, actions to frighten or intimidate, deprivation, lying and even threats of harm. Abuse usually involves the misuse of power in an attempt to dominate and control.

• Discuss the issue with your partner

Without raising your voice or looking agitated, Point out the elements of the relationship which concern you. Choose a time and a place conducive for a calm discussion. Be assertive in stating what you find unacceptable. Do not attempt to have this conversation in the middle of an argument.

Talk to a relative or close friend

Secrecy is an unhealthy and often integral part of an abusive relationship. Even if your partner has threatened you not to speak out, refuse to be cowed into submission. Share your experience with a friend or close relative.

• Understand conflicting emotions

Many women in emotionally and verbally abusive relationships feel confused. Oftentimes, the victim is blamed for the problems, creating even more conflicting feelings.

• Know your options

Some women in abusive relationships choose to leave, while others choose to stay. Some ask their mates to seek help. While abusive men can get help to change patterns of abuse, they must be willing to admit the problem and seek specific counselling in domestic violence intervention programmes.

• Have a safety plan

A woman in an abusive situation should have a safety plan in place. This provides peace of mind and a way out in case the situation escalates. A safety plan may include abuse hotline numbers, information on legal rights, a survival kit (including money, keys and important documents), a verified place to stay and a separate savings account in your name.

You cannot change your partner

You can attempt to show your partner how damaging these behaviours are and how they are affecting you, and hope your partner will agree that you are being badly damaged. You can hope your partner will then make the decision to change. However, ultimately, you cannot force change. Know that the rudness in your partner is rooted in multiple layers of their emotions and perspectives. Trying to change them through arguing or persuasion translates to them as the complete denial and devaluation of their experiences and realities. They will feel an immediate instinct to protect the intricacies of their own thought patterns and push your logic away in the process. Remember that you cannot argue logically with an unreasonable person.

Set boundaries

 Abuse, in general, is an issue of disrespect that usually involves trespass upon individual’s equality and freedom due to unclear or poorly-defined boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it’s up to you to set up clear, reasonable boundaries for an honorable relationship and to consistently stick to them. Do not tolerate repeated offences longer than 30 percent of the total time you’ve been in the relationship.

Source your safety

 It’s easy to think that your partner is in charge of your safety depending on his or her behaviour, but this is not true. You are the only one who can create safety for yourself. You do this by making choices. You have an innate navigational system within yourself that allows you to make decisions which feel right for you, and which will keep you safe and happy. When you learn to pay attention to your instincts, you will know which choices are life affirming, and which ones will drain you of your energy or create chaos.

Get some professional help

Find a relationship coach or mental health professional that can help you with this issue. It is possible for both partners to unwind emotional abuse if they choose to. Finding a great support system, preferably one that utilises a holistic, no-blame approach to healing domestic violence will create the healthiest and most successful environment for learning and healing.

Know when to say goodbye

Sometimes, relationships are just wrong and cannot be saved. For your sake, and for the sake of your mental health, try hard to recognise as early as possible whether or not this relationship is even worth working on. If you are unhappy in your relationship, and have been for longer than half the time you have been together, please leave!